the middle mark of the year

time seems to be passing quiet fast nowadays. specially when there's no real aim i can see. finishing 20 kurungs this months isn't a real aim. an aim should mean much bigger.

5 months down, seems like i'm still on the same ground.
still on the same ground...

but i should be thankful i'm always Blessed with beautiful things that i already have.
specially His Love, Mercy, Grace, & Forgiveness.

will the second half of the year be better?
hope so.
at least the Answer i wanted to seek this month came early last month.
and the Closure that i said i had end of last year,
finally really kicked in today...
Syukran Ya Hannan, Ya Mannan, Ya Khaliq.

ttyl & tc, pray that we all get what we wanted.

before May leaves us...

saya agak sensitif ya kalau isu bulan May.
kepada sesiapa yang bercadang untuk jaga hati saya,
sila jot down, bahawa; saya dan May takkan serasi seperti 2 tahun lepas.
tapi i doubt anybody's gonna jot that down (except si bestie, dia nda payah jot down, masuk otak dia secara auto jo),
sebab if soal taking into consideration people punya feelings saya la pemenang.
macam marah pula intonasi saya menaip ne.
bukan marah,
penat.

so before May leaves us,
i just wanna make it clear,
mungkin saya bukan la moved on sangat kan.
i mean, itu adalah forgiveable ba kan?
maybe some (someone) are meant to share bigger parts of the heart,
tho akhirnya bukan semestinya menjadi pemenang.
tak brapa forgiveable,
sudah erase tapi belum move on.
TAK TELLY OK

May lalu,
cita-cita saya....
aduiiii sakit di ingat balik
nda pa la, i'd call besti besok, i'd tell her apa tu cita-cita
(sebab dia sija yang care tu)
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ok ok quickly i'd tell last May cita-cita saya nanti ada masa yang sesuai antara my birthday dan birthday yang bulan depannya tu kalau jumlah hari antara dua birthday itu di divide kepada dua akan dapat satu hari in the middle between birthday saya dan birthday yang the otheR dan hari itu lah hari yang sesuai untuk dam dam dadamm...dam dam dadammm...tapi syukur alhamdulillah bukan rezeki maksudnya mesti ada yang lebih baik. habis cerita. the end. bye. gudnyt. saya baru 23 mau masuk 24.

Green Tea

Friday seems to be a nice day to tidy up few things in the shop. serabut juga hati tgk kadang2. so decided to re-tag few items, stock check, dusting.........and i got tired so i stopped hehehe...

while cleaning out a few stuff on the counter (which i didn't succeed, before closing counter jadi bersepah lagi balik -- HABIT), i found an aromatherapy oil & the burner. mo juga pasang, tapi teda mancis. tidak kan juga mo minta sama org bata. hehehe. teringat i have a burner in my room too, i decided to bring it home since it's only collecting dust kalau di kedai.

bila sampai rumah, i put a few drops, burn it, left my room and pegi mandi. when i enter my room

ASTAGA YA AMPUN DOSAAAAAA

...rupanya inilah that one smell i'm always very careful to avoid, which is bau green tea. sedap memang baunya, but it reminds me a lot of 2004. adui tidak tidak tidak. kisah cinta mengundang parahhhhhhhhhhhh (eseeeh sastera laitu kunun)

saya jenis attach memory bersama dgn smell and songs.
so biasanya perfume anda,
atau bau sabun saya,
atau lagu kita,
akan selalu trigger memory saya tentang "suatu masa dulu"

nah ini teringat lah motor ride (woot woot!!), air kelapa, TUARAN, hp yang kena pijak, almari yang pecah, eroy & sobri (awww), poly, football matches, seliuh saya yang di rawat, tumpang jeep, and a funeral. hmmmmm........

i was thinking of putting the burner off, but i decided to let it burn because i want to erase that hurtful memories and replace it with "now". i figure, kalau sudah selalu terhidu tu nanti jadi la tiada maksud sudah this smell. kononnya 2004 tu kena overwrite la. hard, but i'll manage. sayang juga mo let go of my smell-memory, because everytime tarik nafas, i feel macam i'm back in 2004. drama drama, i know!

mungkin org detail macam saya ne tiada dua nya kalau di sabah.

me, my failures...

i started my 2008 on May last year (was a late start) and ended my 2007 on June (double year in 2008??). i ended my 2008 by December last year, but still, it feels like i just started my 2009 this month (what's with May?). don't even ask what happen between Jan-Apr. my head was on vacation.

since most people would start with new years resolution, i'd start with my failures (because i'm not most people). so my boringness starts here :) read on people.

1. i can never floss right. still until today, the hard to reach teeth are....hard to reach. my bro bilang kasi panjang bah tu floss, then baru i understand why the floss d jual panjang berjela-jela which seems hard to finish. i always buy new ones if ilang sija. namanya habis floss memang nda pernah. so i tried kasi panjang2 and lilit dulu di jari. but still i can't floss right. in that vunerable position of opened mouth, my saliva jatuh macam org kena sawan yang can't control their body behavior. i should search in youtube or something on how to floss gigi geraham. eeeewwwww, i know.

2. i can never force myself to clean my room. it's always "nanti nanti nanti, ujung minggu". and when weekend comes i'd rush to work sebab "weekend customers" kan byk. jadi i don't know when actually i have time to do it. bilik ada nampak clear skit kalau it's laundry day (so in my defense, saya bukan hambur barang, cuma laundry saja kasi semak bilik). wait until BAC read dis, they sure have something else to say. kalau dulu mau tidur di bilik asrama saya, tpaksa tangan dorg jadi wiper untuk surung semua barang "out of the way" if dorg mau limpang di katil.

3. talking bout time management, i can never manage my time. yet i always complain about not having enough time. kalau driving slalu pun marah2 macik or pacik di depan yang pandu slow2. "apa kamu punya satu hari 30 jam ka until u can drive so slow??". i think most of my time is wasted on complaining about other people.

4. saya selalu mengata org. i need to change. i guess semua org pun suka mengumpat, n bual2 kosong bout other people, but that need to stop. byk dosa lain i can collect (like lying to my mummy that i'd clean my room soon)

5. BREAK MATI. selalu pun time driving saya break mati. nanti kalau sudah mau tukar break-pad, buat muka 3sen sama si daddy. tapi mesti kena reject sebab duit 1sen nda kena trima bank sudah. adehhhhhhhh

6. cuci kereta???? saya mo cuci kereta??? cukup la satu kali ja dulu...i'd rather send it to the car wash

7. satu lagi bual2 kosong yang famous dlm BAC "mari kita p main badminton" <<< nah this never took place ok. never. selalu pun bjanji, nanti slalu pun ada something come up yang menyebabkan kami nda pegi. add-on BAC si ajik (wawing c nony, my cuzen) lagi kick, siap tanya "kalau mo men badminton mau sewa court brapa la tu?" nah kalau mau free mari jogging di likas. ini jogging lagi bkurun sudah di janji tapi nda pernah berlaku. hanya bila masa BAC ada tournament netball baru mo p training. itu pun byk complain.

8. buka kedai 10.30am is a never. NEVER. 10.30 am tu baru mo cari kunci kereta (30 minit punya crita)

9. urusan-urusan official dgn office (bank or tenant management) itu adalah bukan saya yang urus. saya-nda-pandai-berurusan-di-office. nasib kerja sendiri.

10. one night, i saw this desperate housewives punya ceta where edie n susan tstuck di bawah (bawah mana i pun tak tau). and edie mbentang kertas to make a time-line on when susan is actually "out of man", which is near to never. i think i should do that too. although 2009 is paktoh year, tapi since i just started my 2009, i still can make amendments. myb i should take a break on being with anyone. i just wanna be with me...

i think 10 is enough. i'm still working on some. hope i'd succeed this time. watch out for another failure list on May 2010. i hope my list gets shorter.

Bojangles

last night, after making sure my sister is already asleep, me n my bro went out to take air (ambil angin kah kah kah)...actually it's just an excuse, dia tu bru beli cd, jadi mau setting2 sound dlm kreta. mula2 start enjin ja, nda lama bergerak pula kami.

bila sampai ja near kg.likas, perut mula meragam. o.m.g. ini mesti sebab gastrik yang belum surut2 itu. sometimes when i missed my meal, n when i eat later, ini lah jadinya. CARI TANDASSSSS

dgn rileknya my bro turn n entered masjid likas. okay. now this feels so wrong, adakah mau p masjid utk p tandas? mcm nda ngam ok. mcm pakai senduk nasi utk kaut gula. nda ngam. mengganggu kemashalahatan. tapi then i remember, i paid zakat dua tahun sudah. di sinilah mungkin duit zakat saya di salur kan, di masjid bandaraya.

bila masuk ja masjid dgn keadaan bergegas, i think tukang jaga di pondok tu sudah boleh baca at that hour of nite mesti saya masuk sb mau ke tandas. (ok i'm gonna talk mean about masjid ne, i know this is so wrong. bagi yang tidak mau baca, skip trus ke perenggan seterusnya). bulih2 sudah saya limpas tu tukang jaga not long after cornering to the toilet dia pegi tutup lampu to that path. okay, mcm gimme a break here man. saya tertanya2, mana pergi duit zakat saya kalau begini (jawapan yang betul ialah duit zakat di bagi dgn org yang memerlukan). jadi saya skrg memerlukan, mengapa hak saya di rampas? kakakaka drama drama i know.

saya akhirnya terpaksa pegi petronas likas. trima kasih petronas dan kad mesra. sekian laporan tentang sakit perut.

bila on the way home, kami lalu lagi masjid bandaraya. terus teringat my encounter 4-5 weeks ago. when driving to work on Fridays (Friday kami buka kedai after Prayers), saya lalu di masjid likas. salah pilih jalan, sebab sesak time org mau keluar masjid. tapi once ada lelaki yang lalu dpn kereta saya tu, terus minggu2 seterusnya i don't mind "salah jalan".

lelaki sekitar masjid bandaraya, sekitar waktu lepas solat, semua adalah lelaki yang berpotensi okay? bila cakap lelaki di sabah ne tiada harapan, i think that's harsh. ada bah juga lelaki muda (and hopefully bojangles [bujang]) yang kakinya di masjid n bukan di clubs saja. lelaki yang saya maksudkan limpas depan kereta tu bukan sembarang lelaki ok. dia lelaki yang bisa bikin saya tekan break kuat2 sebab takut angin dari kereta saya would hurt his handsome-ness. dia nampak macam arjuna pendekar Islam gitu. jubah dan seluar lapisnya sampai atas mata kaki (buku lali). uwah, lelaki berIman yang gentar dgn hukum Isbal (melabuhkan pakaian melebihi mata kaki). serban arab di ikat di kepala macam penyanyi indonesia yang i-don't-know-the-name. ikatan moden gitu, menampilkan diri sebagai pemuda yang zuhud sekaligus sedar-trend. 4-5minggu yang lalu kami bertembung mata. hati saya tetap deg-degan sampai hari ni. muda, tapi tetap menjaga sunnah nabi utk simpan janggut walau hanya segenggam.

kalau perempuan bisa propose, sudah lama i step out from my car.............
.......and propose him a car ride (kamu pikir propose kahwin??)

masih ada harapan di luar sana...
okay saya mengada-ngada saya tau. keke. sekian.

21 years ago

from time to time, saya sgt rindu dgn our old houses in Sandakan...
specially that two yang di Ladang Sabah, Moynod...
this pic was taken at our first house there...
like colonial style gitu atas bukit...
rindu tu bunyi org potong rumput early in the morning...
then we have a staircase dr blakang rumah connect pegi dapur...
kami 3 bradik usually duduk sana n makan pisang goreng panas...
uhu...rinduuuu sgt that time....

yes, pic di atas, saya myb baru 3 years old,i don't remember...
jadi ini mengukuhkan lagi statement saya dlm my previous blog di mana i said that tym kecil saya kurus bah hehehe...
skali besar barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr jadi besar!

i always always always have the fringe style when i was small...
always dressed in pink...
PUFFY pink dresses..
i was the only girl that time,
kesukaan my parents play dress-me-up ehehehe

this pic muka tgh masam sebab kena gigit nyamuk yet nobody p peduli pun??
eeeee menyamalllllll hehehehe

Ladang Moynod, Saya Cinta Awak.
if i can turn back time, i'd want to stay there sampai bila2 plsssssssss....

25 randoms thing bout me

i was somehow 'tagged' by bestie, so saya teruskan (plus i have nothing to do).

1. i fall in love fast & furious style. no hesitation, no consideration. so that's mostly why i fall so hard sometimes bila sudah PUTUS CINTA (ouch)

2. i'm still my daddy's girl. will always be. this is a secret not need to be told, because it's obvious -- daddy TIDAK ADIL, because he always mendahulukan saya. whatever my siblings have (when we were little) i would always have it first..buttttttt..whatever i have usually my siblings tidak dpt. enough said. i'm the special one.

3. because of number (2), saya selalu di gasak oleh my bro. wrestling is not anything new to me. so boys, i'm built rough!

4. before i brush my teeth, saya mesti ada air dlm mulut. i can't brush my teeth with dry mouth. i must have some water, i just do.

5. i never make my bed bila bangun pagi. i never do. it's a once-a-week only ritual (kalau la, kalau saya rajin) or whenever my mummy bising2.

6. saya main netball posisi GK, bila saya turun padang bola jarang tembus (choiii tambirang). my right leg sudah terseliuh i think more than 10 times. ustaz cakap "Ini bukan loose ne, ini badan tak seimbang". thx for pointing that out.

7. seven is my favourite number

8. Di hati ku, ruang terbesar cinta adalah hanya untuk Dzat yang mana jiwa ku ditangan-Nya..Dzal-Jalalil-Wal-Ikram. Hormat dan titisan airmata untuk jantina lelaki adalah hanya untuk al-Muallim, Rasul Junjungan, Muhammad bin Abdullah. penawar segala hati, penerang segala penglihatan, penyelamat jiwa yang kehilangan.

9. i used to like orange (tell me bout it high sch ppl!), tapi that time i secretly like pink...tapi ada org sudah ambil hak mutlak pada benda2 warna pink (EZANEY). malassss nak drama dgn dia. now i love earth tones like warna coklat2, oren2. but most of my shirts consist of 4 colours only. Black, White, Grey and Choc (creams).

10. saya bercita2 tinggi untuk pakai baju kurung 5 hari dlm seminggu. namun, tailor saya yang lembab menyebabkan saya masih pakai jeans ke tempat kerja.

11. even when i'm near mummy, i still miss her dearly.

12. i used to be THIN when i was small...daddy kerja jauh dari kami...everytime kami limpas airport, i'd cry padahal my age time tu baru 2 years old gitu.whenever daddy is not around, i'd get sick. because pls refer to number (2)

13. Saya ada Diploma in Business Studies (Management), tapi before that bercita2 mau ambil law (read:mau jadi wakil rakyat). now i'm satisfied i'm working with my family, and Bi Idznillah, after 5 years i'd start my own with lybby (balik cpt from aus babeeeeeeeeee)

14. nama rumah saya ialah ayang (sayang) my daddy call me by 3 names tho, ayang, manis, and masam. manis is because dia cakap gni "ayang ne manis selalu buat hati daddy happy". masam? whenever saya merajuk, it takes longgggggg time utk di pujuk and bibir mst munjungggggg sgt

15. darjah 1 & 2 saya dpt nombor 1 dlm 4 semester itu. selepas itu, nombor satu tidak pernah wujud dlm report card saya.

16. SAYA SUKA KONTRAKTORs!! saya pernah angan2 mau kawin sama kontraktor, tapi skrg saya open skit saya punya field (mcm susah mau cari yang single). "sayang, carikan abg batik sayang" ahahahaha Ren u know this customer of mine right!!

17. always and always i have in my heart my school friends that never never change.i carry them in my heart.....Lybby, Nas, Chia (bebe), Rena, Wany....awwwww miss u guys.

18. saya sangat peramah, sgt mudah sayang and sgt mudah di sayangi kawan2. jadi kalau ada yang masuk circle kawan itu, sekali saya jatuh sebab kena betray, pasti anda tau betapa salahnya anda cari pasal sama sayaaaaaaaaaaaa (tunjuk samseng)

19. i always entertain myself with my little-inside-joke that only i get

20. when i was little, before sleeping, i'm pray in my heart this two things. (i) Allah, pls bagi saya swimming pool full of air milo. saya suka milo. (ii) SAYA MAU KAWIN NABI YUSUF. sebab Nabi Yusuf yang paling handsome.

21. saya sudah consider sgt2, dan ini muktamad. my marrying age is 28. so i have 4 years untuk belajar masak. sebab Tini baru saja kutuk me "babe, u mau sgt sama dia, bue ka u blajar masak dulu? u mau kc dia makan spagethi saja ari2??" pls. saya pandai masak nasi goreng, mee goreng, spagethi, tauhu jepun, udang masak kuning, ayam masak kicap, (cuba mencari lagi nie)....air bue kira ka?? oh ya, sayur itu saya mahir. jgn saja bagi peria. i can't cook what i don't eat.

22. talking bout food...saya selalu pilih makan roti2 rather than nasi. roti buat hati saya melompat2 kegirangan.

23. bila saya cinta, saya simpan anda dlm hati dan tidak akan saya erase. saya mampu ingat everything u say, when u say it, what u wear, how u smell, how my heart jumps everytime i see u. and i know this is stalker-ish, but i keep everything about u with me till now. so imagine how many "meaningless" things yang saya simpan pasal my exes. i keep every receipt, every paper with your writting. jgn hairan, saya ada kad2 reload yang saya pakai utk reload phone saya waktu kita2 ini bcinta. dan awak pula, saya simpan semua patung yang awak bagi. dan awak, walaupun awak menyakitkan hati saya sgt2, diary saya 2003 masih saya simpan (even ur pic). yang lagi weird Mr. R, saya masih simpan straw n apple pie punya wrapping yang kita makan last together di McD. saya a great lover, i know. sila simpan saya dlm hati seperti saya simpan awak2 sekalian k.

24. paling baru, saya ada simpan bottle yang dat certain someone drank from. saya weird, saya tau!!!

25. BAC for life! tiada yang mampu menggantikan tempat kamu. terhebat di hati saya, tertulus, terjujur. tidak ku dusta, tidak pernah di dusta. tidak ku tinggalkan, tidak pernah di tinggalkan. kasih sayang terjalin InsyaAllah sampai dunia & akhirat. BAC for life! [Noni, Tini, Dk, Reny, Ayang, K.dayang] syukran ya-Khaliq, Engkau beri ku peluang di cintai begini.

26. saya jarang ikut rules. cakap 25, tapi ini number 26. SAYA MUDAH CINTA KAN MANUSIA! (i think i said that few times already)

saya tau ini mbosankan. sorry. saya sudah more than 48hours tidak tidur. excuse me pls.

hey, how u doin?

kalau di Amerika sana (Laknatullah Amerika), myb bahasa LELAKI yang universal untuk start a conversation is "hey....how u doin?"

ahhh...do load the video i embed, worth it i tell u. plus, he's my fav character in Friends.

tapi kalau di Malaysia ne, bahasa LELAKI universal untuk start conversation is most definitely "hi, apa khabar, sudah makan?"

there's this huge power in asking ppl "sudah makannnn?"
macam dorang tauuuu ja walau perut yg nda lapar trus jadi kosong ne bila di tanya soalan sebegitu
lelaki, have this sense of HUGE power in their hand when they ask girls "sudah makan" or not..
because when girls eventually aswer "belum"
the HUGE sense of power is when dorang rasa they have this POWER to feed us girls and make us satisfied
i think it's the 'hunter' inside every man that made their ego x5 everytime they can feed a girl
MAYBE
(manalah saya tau, saya bini2)

jadi hari ini,
setelah quite a long time i was not asked that magical question,
hari ini,
hari pertama tahun Masihi,
i was asked
"sayang sudah makan?"

hah?
jadi kita nek kreta untuk third ride ka ne bos?
sorry ah,
saya yang pandu kreta ne,
and i'm not going ur direction
soryyy...

but that question ah, betul betul di sini hati saya dia kena ne
hey, how u doin?

f.r.e.e.d.o.m

i'm at the end, where everything seems ok.
at last, i found my closure.
i found the way out i've been screaming a silent scream for so long.
i'm here...
i've arrived...
and i'm doing good...
why didn't i strive for this harder when it feels this GOOD?
that said,
whatever i left behind would always be in a box on top of my closet
and whatever i left behind would always remain a good memory, a very fond one...
that have taught me a lot on being a better person...
and a better worshiper and server of my God...
alhamdulillah.
saya sudah sampai.

TODAY I BUY GAME SILENT HILL.

begitu sajalah jalan cerita hidup saya hari ne.
i'm gonna switch off the light now, and play the game. walaupun la game yang kena release for PSP on Nov last year. yang penting main.
bila sudah geram, hentak ja kepala zombie tu kuat-kuat kan?
boleh lah imagine them as R or AD.
i'd be gentle-r with R. sama AD, kenapa la pecah!
main ko ngak!
hari ne jalan, lewat sampai rumah. nda sempat tgk 90210 yang baru...
makan di Hana, bilang nda lapar, tapi me juga yang ranking ambil sushi balik2 tu.
smart.
jumpa noniey tadi...
baby ku, u gumuk!!! heheheeh
ondo cayang cayang wawing ku :D

owhhh hidup que

Puasa. Tidak pernah dalam sejarah hidup ku, kalau time puasa aku mengurus! I’ve never weighted in, and found that because of berpuasa sebulan, i’ve dropped a kilo ka, jgn kan la mau cakap 2-3 kilo like my sis. Heran. Dari umur me 6 tahun puasa penuh (kerana dijanjikan habuan berbentuk uwang) nda pernah la hi know that my weight menurun.

Bikin stress eh when i hear my customers say yang dorang beli baju a size smaller kunu because nanti time raya turun sudah berat badan. Ya laitu. Me sija lah yang di sabah ne yang nda pernah mau turun berat badan. Cilaka!

Yesterday i had a customer yang membawa anak nya umur 9 tahun beli baju org dewasa saiz M. Kesian budak tu, mum dia balik2 komen badan dia depan kami, total strangers for her. I know how she feels, mcm kena pick on pula. Terus dgn baik hati untuk menimba pahala, me pangku la budak tu (ya, kira berat juga la) and told her that i was just like her when i was 9, even bigger! I told her, ko bukan gumuk bah, besar....trus my bro cakap when they left, “ko kasi sedap hati dia ka kasi sedap hati sendiri?” cissssssss kurang pahala puasa mu bro! Karang ku sumpah ko jadi Motorola yang slalu abis bateri baru ko nda tau!

B sent me a txt “kalau berwuduk tu jangan mau curi2 minum air wuduk tu. I know u. U kan sot2 bie. Budak nakal memang begitu, awas, Tuhan nampak tu”.
Ya laitu B, ngam la!

I dunno why, puasa tahun ne xbrapa meriah? Perhaps because i just got a call from my tailor, she said my kain salah putung. Ada lagi satu mo di sumpah jadi Motorola ne...adedehhh...nda pa la pakai ken langsir ja la tym raya uhuuuuuuuu

i ever dated...

today, i tolong c babe ambil laptop nya...
when i opened the laptop bag, enduuu....ada bau perfume dia...
rindu pula sama c babe bah :(
my time sama c babe are times of my life that i won't ever have again...
for a moment there, terdiam n sedih juga..
& ppl say i was numb and heartless with the situation?
i rip ur heart baru tau, brani2 kamu rang!

crita pasal c babe, i bersedih hati n duduk dkt tingkap n tgk org macam semut berjalan2 di bawah karamunsing...
cisssss lazo diamond sudah tiada!
i swear dis one guy kerja sana look like adlin aman ramli...
i guess kalau di sambut my drooling time tu memang basah juga lantai di karamunsing hehe...
but yang betul2...
i bersedih dan memandang luar,
mengingat kembali masa bersama (haha!)
and at the same moment teringat juga my time2 sama ex2 yang lain...
funny ah?
sudah broke up pun when i think of the good times mst smile lebar2 juga
then terfikir how many ppl i've ever dated and/or have flings with...
and if i list it down, it seems so ridiculous how i can fall so easily...
REALLY EASILY
wanna give it a try?
no names of course, untuk menjaga kepentingan semua
(and supaya if somebody-- R terstumble sini nda la juga dia marah hehe)

i dated and/or have flings with --
2 Dusun
1 Chinese
2 Sino Kadazan
1 Brunei
1 Visaya
2 Bajau
1 Bugis
1 Kadazan
1 Lundayeh

nah! ambik kau!
yang serious relationship antara semua2 di atas itu cuma lah 3...
jgn lah kamurang pikir i ne ke sana ke mari yeaah...
yang lain cuma fling aja...hehehe

INI BARULAH NAMANYA SEORANG ANAK JATI MALAYSIA,
MASYARAKAT MAJMUK GITUEEEEE...
i almost dated every suku kaum yang ada di Sabah ne...
nearly lah...
tapi dgn kedudukan relationship saya sekrang,
tak payah date yang lain pun tak peeeeeeeee
hehehehehe

SORRY, I REALLY DID MISPLACED MY BRAIN SOMEWHERE.

p/s: yang belum is Kadayan, Sungei, Tidung, Bolongan, Tator, Murut, Cocos, India etc etc etc...(bilang nda payah kunun tapi kasih list down juga hehe)

sakurairo maukoro

this is the best love song ever...
my bro pointed out, that in the end it's all only 'hopes' that are left...
not getting what we want, we would imagine things so vividly...first we'd see a face, then we would smell something, then we would hear the voice...and step our foot in a house we have imagined for years and years...only to be reminded that we are not allowed to have such feelings...

this is a great song from Mika Nakashima, lemah gemalai gitueeee...

today

we're soooooo back to square one babe!

second take should be better :)

SKODENGGGGGGGGG

drinking habit

after few weeks of late night tossing and turning, forcing my eyes to be shut and sleep, i finally traced down why i can't sleep. i've been drinking a lot of coffee lately. habit maybe? i found out that everytime i'm tired at work, automatically i crave for more and more caffeine. and day by day i became more and more tired due to lack of sleep because the caffeine really did a good job in making sure my eyes is still fresh at 2.30 a.m.

so last night, though i wanted to have another cuppa coffee, i restrain myself, and decided to make a hot milo, added with a quarter teaspoon of coffee. really, not a heap of quarter teaspoon of coffee, just a tit bit at the end. i know i can't stop altogether, that's why i added a bit of coffee. jadi mocha la pula my drink last night.

and guess what, i was up till 3.00 a.m. that many hours spent awaken and staring at the ceiling made me think and think and think. eh, no wonder i'm still awake. cocoa pun ada jua caffeine. adehhhh...buang masa saja! bagus lagi minum ja nescafe tadi, sama jua pia nya! tekanan eh!

Sandakan Lingo 101

a lot of my friends; when i first moved in to kk, noticed that i have different lingo and almost different accent altogether. it was hard for me to fit in immediately because a lot of things that i say, i have to explained to them. so out of love for the town i grew up in, SANDAKAN, this is the first part of my Sandakan Lingo 101.

• Jo/Jon/George - kata ganti nama which is a gender bender, because everybody in sandakan, no matter male or female, is called a Jo/Jon/George. Jo is commonly use by the third generation (late 90s), Jon is also popular but rarely used, and George is usually used by the first generation (late 80s-90s). e.g of usage in a sentence -- 'Uinah, baju baru bah dia Jo!'
• bahai - no, it's not Bahai the religion. Bahai is what the immigrant children sells outside of the pasar sandakan for 20cents. it's a PLASTIC BAG. and yes, only in sandakan can u find children selling bahai, for what, i'm also not sure..all i'm sure is that semua peniaga pun ada bagi bahai for every purchase.
• sangga - it means 'tahan'. usually used in sentence which would carry the meaning 'tahan, jgn sampai jatuh'. e.g of usage in a sentence -- 'Jo, simpan tapau tu di bawah, sangga pakai kaki ah!' (see, when i say we use the word Jo a lot, i mean A LOT)
• protan - is actually a sharperner, and in proper Malay it is calles PERAUT pensil. it's pronounce protan, as thick as u can possibly pronounce it.
• gadibab - women's breast, usually used in a sentence to show just how big the breast is, in a negative, negative way (meaning mengutuk gadibab org yang kita nda suka)

maybe i should go for 5 at a time? it's hard to dig inside my brain for lingos at the moment. would post more as soon i clear the cobweb in my head. oh and for the record, Ramesh always tease me for using the word Jo because in KK they usually use the word Ging. it's very hard to shake that off from my tongue, i always go 'Uiiiinah jooooo!!' whenever suprised :)

sometimes

when i was younger, i enjoyed reading story books so much that i think i'm the 'weird' one in my family. i always have a book in my hand and i always bury my face in books any spare time that i have. none of my siblings portray the same quality like i did. most of my my time during the weekends are spent reading books at the library. nerdy, yes, i know.

the best thing about reading stories is we can imagine what the writer is trying to convey. i get to choose what the characters look like, how they move, how their voice sounded like, how the places they are at looks like, etc. i enjoy the most when i can feel what each character feels like. if they're happy and lying on grass, i too can feel the leap of joy and how the grass smells.

OVER IMAGINATIVE?

could be. mom always says that i'm the one who always engage everything with my own emotions. every movie that i watch, if it's a tear-jerker, i'd definitely cry as the movie plays. mom understood the most, and she always tell my brothers to stop teasing whenever i'm so into a movie. i guess i just have more imagination...

this song is attached with a lot of meaning; everytime i listen to it, i feel like i'm somewhere else...
when i hear this song...
i feel like i'm standing somewhere in kampong, from outside looking in on someone.
i feel like near the beach waiting.
i feel like i'm inside a house that i've never set my foot at all, yet in my heart i can imagine how it looks and feels like.
i feel like i'm part of something that i've longed yet fear, most of the time.
feels like, i'm waiting for the time to come...

i'm almost certain, yet sometimes so clueless.

a pact i made

i was stuck in traffic, and a lot of things were flying in and out of my head. i was thinking...where in the world are my bestfriends from Poly are now. i know some are furthuring their studies, some are working...then it hit me...di mana kah Archie Nasarula? (sila baca dgn intonasi rancangan kanak-kanak 'Di Manaaaaa Joeeeeee Jambul'). i looked at the clock, 11-ish. he's not up yet. dapat kacau dia tdo lagiiii bagus!!

J : hoi pare, kumusta??

RC : sino pa??

J : hindi mo alam? brapa byk jua kawan mu org tagalog jo??

sure dia masih tidur! we talked for a while and he told me that he's @ Sandakan now. owwwh how i miss Sandakan so much! i really hope i can go after BAC finished their semester now... i really wanna go to places where i grew up...awww...pasti nya i'll go to Katong to re-visit my first of all firsts.

before i put down the phone, half-heartedly he asked, 'jo, ko ingat ka jo ko bilang kalau 40 sudah umur kita....?'

oh darn it! a pact that we made long ago, when we found we were compatible yet not so compatible. 'kawin kita kalau 40 kita belum kawin jo?? ingat jo ingat....p la ko cepat2 cari bini2 jo...palakas na kau uttu...manyasal kita kalau tkawin!!'

ahahahaha i know some of our other friends know about the pact, some even made a double pact with him...if 39 belum kawin kunun mau kawin sama Archie... APA KAMU PIKIR DIA IKAN MASIN KAMU MO BUAT SUKA2? hahahah it's all good...he's the only male in our class then...i guess we just love to play around with him... this post of endless blabbing is for u RC, we all miss u dearly...balik la kk jo!

and thx jo, we've been thru thick and thin. literally. thick then thin then thick again. makin gumuk kita uda jo!

i'd delete this post if i find it too embarrassing later on! heee

Bapa

My aunt ucu drove all the way from Sipitang with Mama and Bapa to kk. i'm so thankful that she got Tuesday off so she can bring Mama and Bapa.

in the afternoon, mom brought Bapa (along with Mama) to see Dr. Bachi. i was anxious to know what did the doctors said. i rushed back home after work, to find him taking a nap on sofa. i asked mum and the reports haven't came in from the Dr. few minutes later i heard him guessing 'ayang kah tu? mulih sudah ia?' how can a grandpa not be precise when it comes to granddaughter? he sat next to me, and asked Mama to bring him some dinner. 'ada jua luih mu antaie di kadai? inda jua ampuk sehaie ani?' (did u have any sales today?). caring as always, i'm glad that i'm seeing more of him lately. we talked, and i asked him about his ulcer. he said on Wednesday he'd go to the Dr. 'untuk begambaa' << means to take x-ray look of his stomach. later that night Amir came and i sat there watching him play with Bapa. i remember that. sama saja cara nya mbawa bemain, dari kami kecil sampai lah my bro ada anak pun, it's still the same. for a while there cemburu jua, cuba lah aku pun dapat damit bebalik. i believe (or i wanted to believe) that i've always been Bapa's favorite. i was his first granddaughter. surely i'm his favorite. somehow it must be.

after two days staying at home, they went back, my mom sent both of them to Sipitang since my dad is already waiting there. i hope everything would be okay with his ulcer in his stomach. i heard the infection is already in his lungs. but i just refuse to take that into account. did i tell u that i believe what i want to believe?

well, he's fine, really. he'd be okay after taking medicine. he's a man of science with a strong fighting spirit..that's my grandfather!

i wish i possess more. i wish i have more so i can give them more too. i'm dying to buy him a new television, one that doesn't suddenly turns the volume up by itself. but i dare not say it before i have enough, i don't want to keep him waiting. he said both him and Mama aren't really bothered by the tele's problem, he said he liked it that way, a constant reminder for my cousin acha (who's 5 or 6) not to mess with the tele or it'll 'shout' like that. if he said he wants it that way, nobody dare to say otherwise.

if only i have more time...i'd make it up for all time lost...for every moment that i was 'lost'. if only

day one

day one of UMS Netball Tournament (Open). the summary

-- EXCRUCIATING.

never in my history, that i feel berlari 5 round padang rugby would be this painful. macam preview of hell pula tadi i feel. masuk second half of the first game (Politeknik vs. Sabah State Library) i suddenly feel mcm kebas2 di tangan. macam mau kena mild-stroke pula. cun lagi jam 9 pagi punya game. poooonya panas!!

and yes yes, i knw. i graduated from Poly donkey years ago, but since it's open tournament makanya kami di bawah sayap Poly. i told u right, over and over again... Poly always in my heart no matter what.

tomorrow 0800 hours kami lawan PELAPES (ngam ka ejaan tu?) . siapppp kalau dorang buat bunyi hentak kawad dlm padang netball memang i tendang terus tu wahaaaaha! then lawan UiTM...sdh 5 tahun i play under poly mst lawan uitm...and dorang punya line-up first 7 pun mcm kami jua nda pandai tukar2...nda tau la bila dorang mau abis belajar di uitm tu...(eh?aku?) ketara la import sampai mati heeee (nasib bukan reserve sampai mati...)

if i feel macam nda brapa sayang tu my canon eos tu, confirm me bawa bisuk. tapi since i'd be playing ndada la sempat mau ambil gambar...tau2 kena ngap oleh org! ouh palis paaaalisss...

wish me luck! BAC la jua defend paling cun...weeehee...angkat badan yang seratus kilo and masuk bakul hehe