labyrinth

tho today's extremely busy, with mom just arriving last night from KL. there were lotsa things to do. but when somebody i miss so much call me up, i can't care bout anything other than to meet up. the long awaited 'meet-up'.

i was happy to see key at last, for 4 months now. i would have counted the days, discreetly of course, because i have endlessly joked about key's good memory for counting days and keeping dates. i told key that somehow the action of keeping the precise dates (and sometimes even precise times!) are just too pathetic and nerdy. without key knowing, i too counted the days that we were apart.

it's like my feelings are all mixed up. i'm so happy; for it's been a while. i'm so mad; because it's been a while. ashamed; that i let myself feel so bad for so long. it turns out that we were both shutting other people from our lives because of the same thing -- everything was so ugly and messy that we decided to just leave it like that.

it took a couple of hours, but i can assure that we were both still the same person. i tried hard to hold back tears of frustration hearing stories from key. it's just that key's voice is so familiar and it reminded me the warmth from the things i use to have. i had it back, i keep reminding myself that. i had it back. i had it back.

we talked bout lots of stuff and we were figuring things a moment at a time. everything takes tym...dat i reminded key over and over again. i guess key's not the player that was portrayed all along. so cushy mushy up inside :)

[night]
after a long day at work, we went out for dinner at the same place me and key had lunch -- Grace Garden. when daddy was talking, my head was somewhere else. today really meant something to me. the reality of my being. the reality of everything. i'm just happy that i made my transition and i'm happy where i am.

i accepted the reality that we have lots of different lovers from all walks of life, and lovers do come and go, leaving us with memories; whether we decide to live our life with the memories or just let it be a thing of the past. i strongly believe that memories are something that we can't really erase completely from our life. perhaps we don't feel the same anymore bout lotsa things, but reminiscing on things perhaps will give us the sense of familiarity, dat's why we can remember everything so vividly and clearly but part of feelings are already missing.

funny how dk txted me late at night saying that the memory of kissing lucy is so vivid and that dk think that the actual smell of lucy's neck is still very much there...in the corner of dk's memory library for past lover. 'on the other hand manis, i still do kiss daya passionately.' and that was the last words.

i'm over few people, and i'm still finding a way to deal with the others. sometimes they just won't leave. perhaps i'll just let their memory linger, without having to deal with it so much.

i'm hoping to be braver day by day.

and i'm so happy this couple of days, i have everybody from my previous phase of life coming back to really live in my present. thx wany,ram and key for coming back. good friends are hard to find. i love my life.